| RIP. MJ....you were sorta a creeper....but an amazing man. <3 |
[Jul. 7th, 2009|02:59 pm] |
Watching Michael Jacksons tribute. I want to see what he looks like....morbid and not right....right?
oh well.
Jermaine sang a really awesome some that Ive heard before but forgot about.
Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though its breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, youll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
Youll see the sun come shining through for you
Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
Thats the time you must keep on trying
Smile, whats the use of crying?
Youll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile
Thats the time you must keep on trying
Smile, whats the use of crying?
Youll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile
wat an amazing song. |
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| Sooooo i dont know about the rest of you..... |
[Apr. 6th, 2009|02:31 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | terrified. | ] |
but id really NOT like to die in 2012....
Im sick of hearing about it.
i didnt want to know when I was going to die.
now they have a lottery and if your number gets picked you get to live....
they call it a "fair chance"
everyones all like oooooo fuck your careers and shit your going to die in 3 years anyway nothing matters....
fuck. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 1st, 2009|10:20 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  confused | ] |
well haven't posted since like Christmas.
Ive decided against the tattoo for now as seen in my previous post.
which brings me to another topic.
BABIES...
everyone's having them and I want some to...well not at the moment tho. so you can imagine how sad I was when my love told me he never wants to have kids ever....and when told to think about it he crushed my dreams even more by telling me that he absolutely will not change his mind because....
having a kid is expensive.
bringing up a kid in today's society is "cruel"
he just doesn't want that responsibility.
I love him and don't plan on leaving him but I do want kids.
But he tells me if I really want kids I should probably leave him and go find someone who will have kids with me. :(
. |
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| Mom tattoo. |
[Jan. 3rd, 2009|08:43 pm] |
This is the tattoo im getting for my mom....its an angel holding a cat, my mom had 4 furry children whom she loved as if they were human....
The only part im still unsure about is a quote....going around the top that says " a mother holds her childrens hands for a little while....their hearts forever" or if i should just get "in loving memory. idk
 |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 28th, 2008|09:18 am] |
Christmas was pretty good. got a lot of cool shit.
wii fit. the most amazing workout ever.
a PINK Adam Mair jersey.
a new boondock saints hoodie.
sabres tickets for Jan 6th
clothes
money
gift cards
went to the cemetery for a bit. was pretty fucking pissed they did not plow the entrance to the cemetery. so, we had to park down the street, walk a half a mile down the road. and trudge through a foot of gross snow to get to my moms grave....which I sunk into due to the ground being super smushy. creeped me out.
and now im sitting here terrified the powers going to go out. this is an unaturally high/windy day for the end of december.....yay global warming....NOT. |
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| First Christmas. |
[Dec. 13th, 2008|07:41 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  worried | ] |
Ugh. This year will be the first christmas without my mom. Dec 27th will be 3 months since shes been gone. I went to the dollar store today, got some materials. and a mini tree. decorated with blue ornaments....her fave color. Im taking it to the cemetary tomorrow.
I regret never being able to take her to see her fave band. (trans Siberian orchestra) its never the same listening to them now.
i miss her voice, her smell, the way she looked. it isn't fair.
idk what to do. :'( Im scared because I dont want to die young...52 is young. her mother, my grandmother also died in her 50s. in 30 years I will be in my 50s. it seems so short....
they were both chain smokers tho. my mother had diabetes, smoked, empazima. stuff like that. .
I dont smoke or anything so hopefully its not genetic that I will die young. |
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| Oh eight from boo. |
[Dec. 13th, 2008|07:28 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  blank | ] |
JANUARY--
1 Who kissed you on New Year's Eve at midnight?
Tom. ♥
2 Did you have a New Year's Resolution this year?
eh no.
3 Does it snow where you live?
very much so.
4 Do you like hot chocolate?
looooove it.
5 Have you ever been to Times Square to watch the ball drop?
nope i want to sooooo bad.
FEBRUARY--
1 Who was your Valentine?
Tom. :)
2 When you were little did you buy Valentine's for the whole class?
of course. and we made little mailboxs and shit. twas fun.
3 Do you care if the groundhog sees its shadow or not?
i could care less.
4 What did you receive for Valentine's day?
dinner, flowers....sabres game.
5 What did you give for Valentine's day?
um. a sex game. lol.
MARCH--
1 Are you Irish?
mmhmm
2 Do you like corned beef and cabbage?
negative
3 What did you do for St.
Patty's Day?
not a thing.
4 Are you happy when winter is pretty much over?
mmmhmm
APRIL--
1 Do you like the rain?
i love the rain.
2 Did you play an April Fool's joke on anyone this year?
nope. lol.
3 Do you get tons of candy for Easter?
sometimes.
4. Do you celebrate 4/20?
i have in the past.
5 Do you love the month of April?
things are good.
MAY--
1 What is your favorite flower?
uuummmm......idk.
2 Finish the phrase "April showers…"
smell like summer is coming.
3 Do you celebrate May 16th: National Piercing Day?
???? thats a new one.
4 Is May anything special to you?
nope.
JUNE--
1 What year did/will you graduate from college?
not even in college yet.
2 Did you do anything fun during this Month?
went mini golfing, went to dinner. got a pretty ring.
3 Have a favorite baseball team?
ive always liked the cardinals. cuz my dad taught me they were the best team when I was little. lol.
JULY--
1 What did you do on the 4th of July?
party, fireworks. accidentally squirted my propel fitness water at some lady. lol
2. No question...
3 Did you blast the A/C all day?
nope. windows.
AUGUST--
1 Did you do anything special during summer?
lots of special things.
2 What was your favorite summer memory of 2008?
my birthday, swimming. darien lake.
3 Did you have a sunburn?
mmhmm
4 Did you go to the pool alot?
a lot.
SEPTEMBER--
1 Are you attending college/school?
not yet.
2 Do you like Fall better than Summer?
noo
3 What happened this month?
my mom died. :'( I was with Tom for a year.
OCTOBER--
1 What was your last Halloween costume?
a honey bee. 2 years in a row. hahaha.
2 What is your favorite candy?
skittles.
3 What was your favorite thing(s) about this month?
halloween. HOCKEY!
NOVEMBER--
1 Whose house do you go to for Thanksgiving?
the past 2 Toms.
2 What are you thankful for?
family boy pets friends.
3 Do you love stuffing?
I FUCKING HATE STUFFING!!!
4 Anything special in this month?
nope
DECEMBER--
1 Do you celebrate Christmas?
i surely do
2 Have you ever been kissed under the mistle toe?
:)
3 Get anything special last year?
lots of stuff.
4 What do you want this year?
idk stuff.
5 What do you love most about December?
Christmas and new years. |
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| Sad Poem, Made me cwy |
[Oct. 15th, 2008|09:53 am] |
Together Once More
Now I have reached the end of my life,
Time here has ended for me,
Shed no tears in a dimly lit room,
Don’t cry for my soul is now free.
This is the journey that everyone takes,
And all of us will go there alone.
It’s all just part of God’s plan for us,
One step on the road to home.
There are so many things we leave behind,
Look around you at the things we shared.
But the love we had will continue on,
Even though I'm no longer there.
Memories we’ve stored will forever last.
They will always be there to show.
What wonderful times we had in this life,
In a garden that ceased to grow.
I know this is hard and your pain is great.
But I'm at peace now and I wanted you to know.
There's no sadness, no pain, no worries at all.
I love you but it was my time to go.
So now it is time for you to bow down,
And look toward this golden shore.
For the time's coming soon when you will come too,
And we will be together once more. |
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| I cant take much more of this. |
[Oct. 15th, 2008|09:38 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | confused | ] |
Last night was the 3rd dream Ive had of my mother since her death.
im not sure where we were because it wasn't the funeral home, but she was in her casket and again she sat up. She kept trying to scream and claw at her eyes. but they were sewn shut. I kept screaming "help her" and people were just like "no, its just her muscles shes dead".
WHAT THE FUCK! |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 10th, 2008|09:09 am] |
I cant deal with all these dreams Im having of my mother. I keep dreaming she is still here. and last night. in my dream i saw her. and shes like "well, heaven let me come visit".
ugh. :( |
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| Its been 8 days. |
[Oct. 6th, 2008|12:14 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | depressed | ] |
Well, friday we buried my mother, that was really fucking tough. I can't stop thinking fucked up thoughts, like that's going to be me someday.
Thursday at the wake seemed so surreal. My mother is the only dead person up til now ive ever touched. Her body that was a week ago so full of life was now cold and hard. I couldn't stop thinking how unfair it is. and how im going to keep aging, but she will forever remain 52.
Today, we went to becker farms, it was the first real interaction ive had with people other than my bf and family since her death.
We picked apples. That was fun.
We got apple wine. Im really excited to try that later tonight.
Afterwards, I went to the cemetary, I brought my mom flowers and I even brought her and apple and told her about going to becker farms. Then I started crying again. So we left after that.
Well now were going to eat food and drink our apple wine.
I love you mama. :( |
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| for my mama |
[Sep. 29th, 2008|06:24 pm] |
for those who wish to attend. services for my mom are going to be held Thursday October 2nd.
Wattengels Funeral Home.
307 Oliver Street
North Tonawanda, NY 14120
(716) 692-0440
The wake will be from 6-8 pm with a little service after.
this isn't any fancy thing. there is no service the next day or going to the cemetery or anything. Just a small service for friends and family. however anyone who wish to attend may come.
Thanks. |
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| I love you mama. |
[Sep. 29th, 2008|07:55 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | depressed | ] |
:(
i still cant stop crying. Its all Ive been doing since saturday. Saturday was supposed to be a celebration. of being with my boyfriend for a year. Instead. My mother dies. Its not fair.
I have so much shit i have to decide, what to bury her in, how I'm going to pay for everything, what I'm going to say if anything. This was so unfair.
I hate that all I feel is guilt right now. Guilt for not visiting more often. not calling more often. Not telling her I love her more often. not being there.
I'm just terrified she was afraid I didn't love her. That's my worst fear right now.
I finally crashed last night after not sleeping in over a day, maybe I feel guilty for going to bed and waking up.
I'm just worried she felt pain. but then she did look pretty peaceful. :'(
Since she was only 52, I expected a good 10-20 more years. for her to see me get married and give her some grand kids.
but now shes in a better place i guess that's what everyone keeps saying. I kinda understand. No more oxygen. no more finger pricks. no more heavy breathing. no more physical therapy.
I love you mom. :'( |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 3rd, 2008|10:43 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  bored | ] |
-Holy shit, I haven't updated here in almost 3 months.
-Life has been pretty good.
-Lost my job at Walmart due to stupid shit I don't feel like explaining.
-Finally after a month I am getting unemployment. I'm working at Wilson farms now but still looking. cuz its shitty pay.
-Toms birthday is coming up. Hes going to be 30. :-O lol.
-The 27th we'll have been together 1 whole year. I cant believe its been a year already. I love him.
Im miss people. Alot. :(.
well. im done. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 13th, 2008|11:26 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  blah | ] |
Yeah...i really feel like i should update on here more.
8 days til my birthday. woot. I will no longer be a teenager. :) and :(. I don't want to grow up. lol. I cant wait. it'll mean the first day of summer :)!!!
Kohls is becoming one of my new favorite stores. I bought a pink and a black and white striped dress. they were like 15 a piece. so I got 2. I love them. Thomas wont let me where them when hes not around. they show off my boobies:) I'm going to wear one on my birfday.
I miss everyone. I never really get to see a lot of people. WHICH NEEDS TO CHANGE. :)
welp, i gotta go get ready for work. |
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| Another Month |
[Apr. 19th, 2008|11:45 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  pissed off | ] |
has gone by since I updated.
slightly pissed cuz my bf hacked my myspace cuz I told him he couldnt, but he deleted all my saved messages and im pissed.
anyway, been working alot,
Im pissed because, Im trying to type, and the o key well, you have to beat it just to type an oooooo.
I want to go to college, only problem is, not knowing what to go for,
education?
photography?
journalism?
its fucking hard and Im stressed, I really want to better myself, obvs i dont plan on working at walmart my whole life, I want a career and a family someday..... |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 10th, 2008|01:45 am] |
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So I got a blackberry. Its sweet cuz I'm typing on it now. Yep. That's it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 25th, 2008|09:40 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | blah | ] |
Well, seeing as how I havent updated in long time why not.
Valentines day was good. went to the sabres game, and dinner and junk. got a new car. Love it. But my car insurance companys keep fucking me around. yep. All is well with Tom and I. I love him. Uuuhhhh. Working full time now. oh yay. Thats pretty much all thats going on as of late.
I never hang out with anyone and it sucks. on my days off, Tom is usually working, so I sit home most times and do nothing. *shurg* I feel like I have no friends sometimes. there always busy with there own lives and jobs and such.
well. going too watch the sabres hopefully win on OT!!!
Goooo Buffalo!! |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 9th, 2008|02:41 am] |
Today was a good day. Cept for getting hit in the eye so hard with a pillow my contact got nocked across the room lol.
Went to Walmart and bought a new digital cam cuz mine broke. Im not going to get an expensive one till I got to school and they tell me what to get.
Went to jackinators house then we went to pick up davinator, we went to see the truck which was pretty fucking sweet.
Jackinator + Davinator= love.
Then we went to the OG for dinner. It was scruptious.
aaaaand then I came home.
exciting I know.
[end] |
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| MERRY CHRISMAHANUHKWANSTIVUS |
[Dec. 25th, 2007|11:38 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  drained | ] |
SOoooooo...deff the best christmas ever.
last night went to dads and opened gifts there. I got money and gas cards. lol.
toms gma totally got me a pretty necklace. with a pearl (one of my birthstones). now normally I hate pearls. but this necklace is really pretty. yeahh....had a vodka shot with green olive juice in it cuz toms dad had just made martinis b4 that. I nearly threw up. I hate green olives with a passion.
and we deff made nick call the NORAD santa tracker. the santas helper dude deff told nick that he had been naughty. and we couldnt stop laughing. The CIAs gunna come find me now. lol.
This morning:
Woke up and opened presents at Toms.
He got me. A boondock saints hoodie. A pink bluetooth. and and and....a wii!!!!!!
I opened it and I was like. "You got me a wii?!?!?!?" I was soooooo fucking excited. I almost cried lol. Hes so fucking good to me. :)
I hate when you dont shop for people and they get you things. It makes me feel like a terrible person. Toms parents totally got me a hoodie. hat and gloves. and lip smackers. <3 Yeah. I didnt get them anything i didnt know we were going to exchange. soo I feel bad.I wanted to go in on the dvd player tom got for them but when I asked him he never really answered me. Im totally getting them something tomorrow. yeahh lol. his parents are sooo nice I love them.
went to grandmas and ate and opened gifts. that was fun. ate a bit over there. I looooove grandmas rolls. mm mm mm
came back to toms and had dinner here.
I have to work 10-6 tomorrow. so Im not excited about that. I think after work I am going to go to target and get a carrying case and extra control and stuff for my wii if we dont sell them at walmart. |
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